Kareoke will never be a sober sport
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
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they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
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We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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