My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Are these your boobs on my camera?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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