So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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