Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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