I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
