I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
