first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
