What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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