my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
