I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
