names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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