Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
My cat gives me a boner
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
