I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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