Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
