Your tits are I can't wait for
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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