when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
