He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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