you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
