please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
