Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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