she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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