He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
