Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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