i think i have two assholes
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
