I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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