It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
