Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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