i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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