no, he came in my armpit
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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