my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
