This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
