yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
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my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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