so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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