fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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