she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
