I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Im part way to drunk.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
