So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
