I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
