WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
