Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
