I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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