Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize