this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
