someone threw a dead crab at me
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
should my penis look like a turkey
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
