Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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