After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
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She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
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I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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