yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
