The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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