someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
