I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
