I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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