Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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