did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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