He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
