i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
