Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
