I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
