I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
