My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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