I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
