Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
