I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Randomize
