So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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